how not to discipline your children

Hello folks! I got a question the other day from a reader about our philosophy around discipline. My first thought was, 'Eee gad! I'm not mature enough to have developed a philosophy!' and my second thought was 'I'll make Matt do it.' He got off track and proposed (yes, we are already married) instead, but he also churned out a few words on discipline. 


So, here is Matt again, on the subject of discipline, or lack thereof, as the case may be.

One of Ivey's readers asked what our philosophy was around disciplining our kids and I quickly responded that it's ninety percent love and ten percent yelling. She then said that I could be a 'guest blogger' and talk about discipline. I asked her when she started doing the "guest blogger thing" and she said I was the inaugural guest. Feeling privileged and special, I began to ruminate on discipline. 

Hmmm, discipline? 

My first thought was, "You get to write about art and food and travel and laughter and friends and family, and I get to write about discipline?" Something seems wrong with this picture. I am not even sure what she meant by "discipline."

So I looked it up.  The dictionary defines discipline as " training to act in accordance with the rules" or "punishment inflicted by way of correction and training."  So, it is both the regimen we put in place in our kid's lives, and the pain we inflict upon them when they fail to conform to the program. The 'means' and 'the end' (get it?).  Like I said, can I write about my favorite Sponge Bob episode instead?

What do I really know about discipline?  Not much, even after practicing full-on attachment parenting for the past thirteen years, and devoting some serious clinical energy (I work as a family counselor) to a number of folks that struggle to keep the wheels greased at home. And then there was my own childhood, which offered countless lessons in "How Not to Discipline." (I was once angrily spanked for cutting off all of my little sister's long golden locks, even though I was actually in the bathtub when the offense occurred.)

Discipline is a strong word…..it connotes what one needs when they want to lose 50 pounds, or run a marathon, or whip a battalion into shape for some bloody conflict. Instead, I like to think of our family program as "Harmony Management". That has a better ring to it, doesn't it? 

Harmony is both the program of training, and the goal. It's...

"We all love each other very much, so let's learn to live together peacefully and happily, and if we struggle with that, for whatever reason, let's do what we have to do to come back around to what is important, which is moving forward, having fun, and staying connected. And, oh, by the way, I'm in charge."

It's maintaining peace by showing and expecting respect.

So, here is my humble attempt to help you reduce stress and stay connected to your kids as you hold down the fort. I graciously offer you the 7 steps of (home) Harmony Management.

1) Respect the Process. Getting and keeping everyone on the same page can be challenging, arduous, tenuous, and fleeting. Be patient, stay fit, and have faith. Communicate honestly and kindly with these little people, the ones you claim are the best thing you've ever done.

2)  Enjoy your Kids.They're not robots, soldiers, or Chinese factory workers. They are creative energy incarnate...wrap your head around it, embrace it. Laugh and love, first and mostly.

3) Learn to Love Noise. Really.

3) Meet 'em where they are.Try to remember what it feels like to be a kid. Give them responsibility, but don't overdo it. Don't spoil the magic.

4) No Bullying.

5) Lead Boldly. They want and need leadership. (pretty much for the rest of your lives together)

6) Spend Time. Most families could radically transform their lives by taking 25% of their TV time, 25% of the internet/smart phoning time, and applying it to their family. Just for fun, add those hours up, and decide if they could be better spent. Hi Dad. This means you, too.

7) Trust Yourself. Most folks already have the answers to the tough parenting questions, they simply won't trust themselves to accept them. Hint hint....if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

These might not be the techniques and tactics you were expecting, but if you follow these suggestions I guarantee the need for "discipline" will diminish. Which makes doling it out, whatever your method, much easier and more effective.

Good Luck!