tweak and adjust

I like to fix things. I'm not a wallow-er or big on pity. If I'm feeling low, then something is wrong and I want to make it right. I'm practical that way. And I think it's safe to say that sometimes I'm too practical. I don't visit long in the land of the self analysis..I'm in and out.

Because someone usually needs something...dinner, for me to draw a hairless cat, clean undies, a frisbee out of a tree,  mama is this a tick?, crown braids to a ponytail, where is the stapler, where are the staples, it's broken, make me a book.......I know you know.

You were all so kind the other day. I shed some tears. I started thinking about your sweet words and it was bolstering. It kept me on track towards looking more clearly at what was up with my feelings.

 I wasn't exactly cheery, and I meant it.

You all pointed out the things that I have to be thankful for. 

You were right there and it was a huge "blogging is real" moment for me.

I would sink into a couch with any of you and drink beer or coffee or tea or wine {how 'bout all 4 together...it could be some kind of crazy new super diuretic cleanse}

Thank you, really really really.

One friend emailed me and said that she too, was turning 45 or half of ninety.

HALF OF 90?!?  {thanx, dear!}

This puts me squarely in the mid life crisis zone.

And as I ran down my trail last night, I embraced that this is a small mid life blip.

One of the answers magically appeared as I crested the ridge.

Can I share?

I have been multi-tasking for too long. 

It's sad, because I'm oh so good at it.

I have believed that it's a hallmark of effective mothering, but I can now see another truth.

At a certain point, multi-tasking begins to feel alzheimers-ish.

I'm there. 

My brain works in fits and bursts, with not much sequential pattern. I want to focus and be in the moment more fully. I am taming the beast and training my sweet kids to help. Gone are the days of simultaneously nursing a baby, cooking dinner, reading to a three year old, and folding laundry. I am shutting it down, with awareness and resolve.

Not earth shaking, I know, but a doozy for me!

Here are a few other truths that 45 holds for me:

• I feel better, accomplish more, and my head is straighter when I exercise in the morning. So why is it so hard? It makes me feel strong and better equips me to care for the ones I love. Just do it, Ivey.

• I need to spend more time feeding my soul. Thank you Matt, for the constant encouragement. I'm listening, but thick. Got it, OK?!

• I want a career...OMG, I said it.

 It may seem that my age is bothering me, but it's not at all. I wouldn't change a thing and as Tracey said, I too, feel 17. I feel good. 

I am just tweaking and making adjustments.

Sweet Denise pointed out, that after the eyes, the waist is next to go, and it's time to start thinking about tunics. Oh, I laughed so hard. 

On Thursday, my birthday, I'm going on a mid life 'Vision Quest'. This came to me on Easter and feels right. It's sort of gnarly and involves a ridiculous climb and long run. It will be a 'pushing through' to new patterns. A stepping off point to my new frame of mind.

I'll tell you all about it, if I survive! :)

Much Love to Nan, Tracey, Bunny, Rachel, Jenn, Amanda, Swanski, Heather, Kim, Trisha,

Hanna, Natalie, Camilla, Cat, Kim, Denise, Monika, Lisa and Cordelia!

{and you lurkers out there, hello, i would love to know how you tweak and adjust.}